Well it's definitely been a while since I posted on here hasn't it?
Ok - let's bring my followers up to speed.
I ended my Marriage this March ('12) and ever since my FMS has improved dramatically. I think my friends have breathed more than a sigh of relief, Even I look back and think to myself 'Was I really that ill?' It's hard to focus on my life before I left the Marriage. Friends have even gone so far as saying if I had stayed there any longer it would of greatly endangered my life in doing so.
I actually left a day earlier than planned, I saw an opportunity and grabbed it.
I just want to re-thank all my fantastic friends who helped me escape the living hell that had become my life. You've ALL made my life so much better, yes yes I did the changes and I have my own hard work, pain and tears to thank for getting out BUT I won't ever forget the fantastic advice I was given, numerous Internet links, telephone numbers and cuddles from local friends.
I will be very vague as to why I left but believe me; one day very soon I will air it ALL to 'heal' myself. All I do is chew it over in my brain and ask myself what I did wrong to be treated like that? Did I really deserve all the hurt that Life has thrown at me, regardless of what I was recently going through? Even when I had professional advice about my life at that moment I still found it hard to accept, why? Why did the Strong-minded Sonia change? Why did I settle for a man who clearly never loved me? Why did I chose to reproduce with the sporn of Satan? Even I can't answer many of these questions.
I do realise my self-worth now, maybe I never had any in the first place? I am still seriously considering publishing a book with all the things I have endured during my life.
I still get exhausted and I still have the odd flare but it is a far cry from how I was prior to leaving. I still have days where everything hurts and I just want to break down and cry - but now I am a single Mother and if I don't do it, no one will. I HAVE to work through the pain, spasms, cramps and tears. Come rain or shine, it's only me now - I depend on myself, my children depend on ME and ME only.
(Yes, at the moment we have a tricky situation where the girls are with their sperm donor, and I am awaiting a Custody Trial to get them back, but I still have the 2 boys, both whom I suspect to have SEN and ASD).
I have noticed something quite recent, I have never been one with a huge appetite and I would only have one meal a day prior to leaving, but just recently I have had zero appetite. After suffering some friendly bashing from Friends I thought there has to be more to this. A quick search revealed that 'loss of appetite' is another thing linked to Fibro. I only eat when I am hungry. I actually did a cooked lunch today and that was scrummy, but I had only a little bit, I soon became very full up.
I think that Food in itself affects me, it's not just the fact I don't feel hungry, I think some of this not wanting to eat is coming from how I was treated prior to leaving. I don't eat meat and meat would be hidden in my meals, when I discovered it I would throw up violently, and even though I cook and make meals now part of me still wonders if meat can get into it by mistake, it is irrational thinking and I know it. You hear all these stories, mice being found in loaves of bread etc and the 'may contain nuts' on many products, part of me is wondering if people are hiding meat into their products. It is crazy thinking and I am always going to have trust issues with everyone, I have to learn how to trust people again. Weird how ONE MOUSE can do all this to one woman.
I feel highly empowered that I got away when I did and ended the dead marriage. I am a free woman (to a certain extent) and I can be myself again, I am no longer being dictated what to do, how to do it and being treated like a child.
If you're reading this and you're a long standing friend, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and you'll also know just how much I like to help others; I would love to volunteer to help other women in the same situation as I found myself in. I need to make a difference and I need to help these vulnerable women. I still feel very vulnerable, living alone but maybe one day I will stand up for myself and feel strong again.
Never under-estimate your friends, I am still really sad that I had to leave one of my best friends behind. She's recently had her baby (I was going to be at the birth for her), we have been through a lot together and I really miss her and her family. I hope that one day we will be living near each other soon, or at least I can be able to get over to her as and when I want to.
My life IS looking up despite the Trial hanging over me and despite the constant illness that's plaguing me at the moment (I suspect this is stress-related) but I have a special someone in my life and it is going well for me. He means the world to me; and again I won't go into too much detail - you never know who's reading. ;)
Anyway, over and out. Until next time :)
