I think - *touch wood* I am winning this!

As per title really, I have purchased a few things that are really helping me to achieve what I must.
I purchased a ''grabber'' - you know those things that litter pickers use to pick up the rubbish, it saves me bending down and has really helped me loads! It bends the pain and stretching in my back to bend over and physically pick things up.

My family and I have had an extra special and lovely First Christmas without the Ex-Husband around to spoil it in any way shape or form.
Being now a single mother to 5 young children, 3 of whom have disabilities of their own and being the sole carer for them IS hard, I won't deny it but our Christmas was busy but fantastic. Okay, I ONLY have a single shelf oven, (not even a separate grill) a Halogen oven (on the small size), 4 hobs and a microwave.

With this in mind I was going to part boil the potato's then roast them; however on the day things didn't go this way, I over cooked them then had no option but to mash them - Believe me I was quite relieved that the oven space could then focus on the Turkey, Parsnips, Stuffing and Yorkshire puddings! So when the turkey was pretty much done, I then put it in the halogen oven (thank goodness I bought a small Turkey crown as it just about fitted........) and then I could put in the rest of the food in the oven.

I won't lie, the gas and electric meters are so expensive to run and on the 23rd December, I panicked that what I had left wouldn't last (I had topped up during the week before in anticipation of the hours of Oven usage and having the home just that bit warmer during the night). Anyhow, on Christmas eve thankfully I had some money go in a-head of schedule so I could top both up easily and I got a few more 'last minute' bits and was on my way.

Christmas Day was unbelievable easy, relaxing and amazing all the more. I peeled the potatoes on Christmas Eve, as did I make the stuffing balls. I had very little to do on the 'Big Day' but enjoy it with my 5 beautiful children and that I did. I filmed them walking into the lounge to see the tree littered with presents wrapped in very colorful paper. Their faces lit up like they'd never lit up before, smiles branched across each of their faces and little screetchy screams of excitement. I was responsible for this; ME. I sourced and wrapped their presents and I put up the decorations singing and trying to dance as best I could to the Christmas music I had on. I had the children until Boxing Day morning but by goodness did we have fun Christmas Day. Dad picked us up and we went to Mums to see her gorgeous Christmas Light's display in the window (she's almost competing with me now..) anyway, a lovely, long, but tiring day, but, above all else - it was worth it. I have never seen the children so relaxed looking, free to do what they wanted, when they wanted and despite Duncan opening one of the main presents first, rather than a gradual build up, he didn't get told off for it, instead, I accept that these things happen and moved on. I did comment 'Ah you would of gone for that one first aye Dunk?' but I didn't particularly talk to him as he was too busy, I was more talking to myself. Children are naturally curious and I didn't cook a huge breakfast (Bacon, eggs the lot) and delay the present opening, no, instead they had a bowl of chocolate wheeto's and we got stuck in to the presents! We had finished opening presents by about 11am where as (with you know who) he'd still be scoffing his overly large breakfast and we'd have to wait until HE was ready. Then when presents had been opened about 45 minutes later we had our cooked lunch. It gave them just enough time to play with their newly opened presents and me enough 'me' time in the Kitchen to get it all cooked, jig the Turkey around and cook the other bits and pieces! When we had lunch here, he would of been starting the cooked Lunch there as that fat greedy pig would of still been 'full' from his big fat piggy breakfast.
We had fun, it was a very very good day and I am surprised it didn't get too much for me, and my parents and Friends are equally as pleased as I am that I managed today - the biggest day of the year, with 5 children and myself and managed my disabilities well. Perhaps I had a 'good' day, perhaps I knew I had to get up and get on with it, no matter the pain - what ever happened, I love it.

Here, is a couple of photo's for you all - thanks for reading.

The Christmas Breakfast

One of the first presents they opened. They'd sit on the sofa, I'd countdown then they went for it!

Sick of the copy cat; so I removed it again!

Well as many of you will know a few years ago I befriended a woman known online as "Earth Mama".

In 2008, I wanted a leather suite. So I bought a leather suite, second hand.
She decided that she had to do one better than me and spent £800 on just one chair, brand new of course!

In 2009 I wanted a cheap, basic camera to take photos of Meghans Major Open Heart Surgery.
I spent £100 on a 13 MP camera. She spent over £1,000 on a dslr.

In 2010 my microwave went bang. She detested microwaves, a week later not only did she buy a microwave but exactly the same one as me!

Now in 2012 she wants a home birth... Purely because I've had two.
Years ago I unfortunately suffered five miscarriages; she's also "miscarried" and murdered her first; sorry, aborted but she classes it as a miscarriage and refers to her loss as "E-J".
Because she had so many "miscarriages" I suggested maybe she couldn't carry boys.. Low and behold she tells me in 2012 she's now had two consultants say exactly the same.
What's she pregnant with now? A boy.

This woman has already subjected her mere 20 week old baby with at least 7 ultrasound scans (4 of which were BEFORE 10th week of pregnancy).

She detests she's an "Earth Mama" blah blah blah - this "Earth Mama" who subjects her unborn baby to the chemicals in normal nail polish and now is going to use magnetic.. (Which contain iron and possibly lead). She clearly hasn't a clue on what a REAL Hippy Earth Mama does - me. Lol so I have blocked her once again and there she will stay. I am sick of her copying what I do, she's even become vegetarian purely because of me!

Urgh... Sick of women like her copying everything I do... So yes. Blocked once again and I don't give a damn.

I didn't need others to tell me about home birth or the "risks", I didn't need others to tell me how to wear my baby, Mother gently or even to compete illnesses with me.


Ahhh - rant over. Lol ;-)

It still annoys me

It still annoys me that before diagnosis of Fibromyalgia people didn't believe me and it felt like a competition who was more sick. I knew I was not ''just anemic'' and there was more to it, however no one believed me, not even the doctor.

Who are YOU to tell me you are supposidly in more pain?
Who are YOU to dismiss my pain and sufferings as something as simple as an iron defficiancy?
Who are YOU to compete with my illness?
Who are YOU to judge me and tell me 'that's how I get only 10x worse'


Since October last year I have received more than one diagnosis and together they answer the years of suffering I have endured. The Chronic Fatigue started when I was around 16 years old (maybe even before then I can't remember) the Fibromyalgia started shortly after I nearly watched my daughter pass before me and everything else is linked in with these two conditions.

Being ill isn't some kind of sick competition, well it isn't to me.
I knew there was more to my illness and I am still annoyed that you tried to make out you were the more sicker one, tried to make me out to be the copycat.

I can't understand HOW you cope with your 'conditions' the way YOU do.

This isn't just any pain, and this tiredness isn't what 'everyone gets', the tiredness is on a level you can not even comprehend and on a regular basis.


Let it be known this, I don't care WHO is in more pain. We ALL suffer and I really don't give a flying ca-hoots what is the next thing you copy me on, however I shall not offer any more sympathy to you.
You were not there for ME - why should I be there for YOU?

Not feeling all too clever..

Well, I had a fall on Thursday I think it was. I had to fall awkwardly to avoid one of the twins that was out in the kitchen with me, I heard a crunch in my wrist and the lump that comes up had come up and got tender but thankfully that's gone down again nicely. I am more concerned about my breathing and my rib. I don't feel like I can take full breaths of air anymore. I usually sleep on my left side, last night in bed I led down on my left side and felt this horrible deep, throbbing pain go right through me, from the last rib it felt like. It took me ages to roll over the pain was that intense, it was like someone had literally just put a knife through me! Anyway, breathing during the night felt uncomfortable - so when I woke I felt like I hadn't slept at all!
I got up, did things I had to do and at 11am I came back to bed to try and catch up with much-needed sleep.
Unfortunately though, I realised this morning that intensified pain + intensified fatigue can equal only one thing = Flare. I am gutted it's back to this old chestnut again. All I have eaten today is a yogurt at dinner time (6pm) again, no energy to eat even if I felt hungry. I only eat when I am hungry and I felt slightly hungry at 6pm so had a yogurt to keep me going. Usually I feel sick *touch wood* this has passed now for about 4 days, instead everything is in almost a constant spasm, twitching, cramping mode. Then the fatigue and other aches hit me Thursday. I guess you could say my symptoms got worse around Monday / Tuesday when literally every few minutes I would have a twitch, spasm or cramp. I have prodded my last left rib and can't feel bits poking out but it does feel extremely tender so I imagine I may just have internal bruising which hurts when my lungs are inflated to full capacity; explaining why I seem to be only able to shallow breath! I am being stubborn again with my pain medication too, because I am not eating well again I am not taking the tramadol (in all fairness it is only prescribed as an 'as and when' kind of thing anyway) and I am not taking the Paracetamol but I am taking Lyrica, I have increased to two twice a day, the next increased dose I will take is three twice a day. Again; these are not really affecting anything. I know these are my 'last hope' (I know there is at least one other thing we can try but long story short my gp may not prescribe it, regardless it is apparently most affective!) It was bad enough I thought she was taking the pee with the Naproxen but now these too; I am convinced I am taking part in some placebo test - NOTHING is working. My patches do well but even they don't completely take the pain away and they are mostly only helping with ibs pain, not quite strong enough to help with all the other aches and spasms. Hmm - as I wrote that my knee spasmed. I recently had a guest stay over in my bed and I was absolutely terrified of having one in bed so I slept on my back (I never sleep on my back unless I have company) I just didn't want to hurt the guest! I know from my Marriage Dean used to constantly have my knee in him, it's also part of the reason I chose to get separate beds in 2009 - that and finding out about his perverted, sick, unhealthy obsession with Internet girls ;-)
Well, I have been told I must try to inhale as deeply as I can (or I risk getting a chest infection) - the weird part of that is, I have a really bad chesty cough already, have I already been doing this shallow breathing since Thursday and not noticed it maybe? I can't imagine there is any real damage to the rib because I have still been picking the children up and on Friday I had Twin 1 on my back in the carrier quite well. I must admit it does hurt to bend and I noticed this a lot in the shower earlier, just bending over the side for the shower gel / shampoo.

I don't really have much else to say, we all know I moan (not as much as I used to, I have to admit that) but there is this one girl on my Facebook.......... My jaw just drops each time I read status updates and it's always the same thing ''If she really had a Fibro diagnosis.....'' It took me at least 3 years for my diagnosis of Fibro but I believe I have suffered with CFS since I was in my teenage years, I just thought everyone got as tired as I get. The onset of Fibro was somewhat between December 2008 - March 2009. These months are the hardest I have ever had to live through, although I think any Mother would feel the same if they nearly watched their 8 month old daughter die in front of their eyes? I am haunted by the fact my daughter is as ill as she is, she certainly doesn't look as ill as she is. Every day I wake up wondering if today's the day she needs to be rushed into hospital, I wonder if today's my last day with her, whether I have been too busy in housework that I have missed her 'HELP' signs that her valve is failing, or even something more serious. It worries every minute of every day - I wonder if there are any other mothers out there with children like mine that don't worry this much? Perhaps its normal to panic every minute of every day? Perhaps its normal to go in to your daughter who is fast asleep during the night, not see her chest inflate and deflate and then put your hand by her mouth / nose - if you can't feel anything you call out her name and almost shake her, before you realise all is well and she is fast asleep. You kiss her tiny head, apologise and let her sleep on. I don't think my anxiety is helped by the fact I bought her two pulse oximeters and stupidly both went missing prior to my departure from the marital home and both are now in my ex-Husbands' possession and I can't even keep track of her oxygen saturation levels.
Is it fair that my little precious girl has a life of uncertainty ahead of her? Is it fair she nearly lost her life due to her CHD? Is it even fair she is paying for my mistakes one way or another? I can't answer any of those questions, all I can do is to apologise to her. I made her, her tiny heart formed only 18 days after conception and for that I am responsible. No one else is to blame but me. I inflicted this pain and suffering onto my daughter and I hope that one day she forgives me for what she has had to live with and what the future has in store for her.

And as you can tell, what Fibro flare wouldn't be complete with out depressive states of mind? I must sign off of here before some of you think I am totally do-lally - but then my bestest friends are reading this knowing I already am and have been for many many years ;-)

Until next time................. Over & Out.

A quick little update from yours truly...

Well it's definitely been a while since I posted on here hasn't it?

Ok - let's bring my followers up to speed.

I ended my Marriage this March ('12) and ever since my FMS has improved dramatically. I think my friends have breathed more than a sigh of relief, Even I look back and think to myself 'Was I really that ill?' It's hard to focus on my life before I left the Marriage. Friends have even gone so far as saying if I had stayed there any longer it would of greatly endangered my life in doing so.
I actually left a day earlier than planned, I saw an opportunity and grabbed it.
I just want to re-thank all my fantastic friends who helped me escape the living hell that had become my life. You've ALL made my life so much better, yes yes I did the changes and I have my own hard work, pain and tears to thank for getting out BUT I won't ever forget the fantastic advice I was given, numerous Internet links, telephone numbers and cuddles from local friends.
I will be very vague as to why I left but believe me; one day very soon I will air it ALL to 'heal' myself. All I do is chew it over in my brain and ask myself what I did wrong to be treated like that? Did I really deserve all the hurt that Life has thrown at me, regardless of what I was recently going through? Even when I had professional advice about my life at that moment I still found it hard to accept, why? Why did the Strong-minded Sonia change? Why did I settle for a man who clearly never loved me? Why did I chose to reproduce with the sporn of Satan? Even I can't answer many of these questions.
I do realise my self-worth now, maybe I never had any in the first place? I am still seriously considering publishing a book with all the things I have endured during my life.

I still get exhausted and I still have the odd flare but it is a far cry from how I was prior to leaving. I still have days where everything hurts and I just want to break down and cry - but now I am a single Mother and if I don't do it, no one will. I HAVE to work through the pain, spasms, cramps and tears. Come rain or shine, it's only me now - I depend on myself, my children depend on ME and ME only.

(Yes, at the moment we have a tricky situation where the girls are with their sperm donor, and I am awaiting a Custody Trial to get them back, but I still have the 2 boys, both whom I suspect to have SEN and ASD).

I have noticed something quite recent, I have never been one with a huge appetite and I would only have one meal a day prior to leaving, but just recently I have had zero appetite. After suffering some friendly bashing from Friends I thought there has to be more to this. A quick search revealed that 'loss of appetite' is another thing linked to Fibro. I only eat when I am hungry. I actually did a cooked lunch today and that was scrummy, but I had only a little bit, I soon became very full up.
I think that Food in itself affects me, it's not just the fact I don't feel hungry, I think some of this not wanting to eat is coming from how I was treated prior to leaving. I don't eat meat and meat would be hidden in my meals, when I discovered it I would throw up violently, and even though I cook and make meals now part of me still wonders if meat can get into it by mistake, it is irrational thinking and I know it. You hear all these stories, mice being found in loaves of bread etc and the 'may contain nuts' on many products, part of me is wondering if people are hiding meat into their products. It is crazy thinking and I am always going to have trust issues with everyone, I have to learn how to trust people again. Weird how ONE MOUSE can do all this to one woman.

I feel highly empowered that I got away when I did and ended the dead marriage. I am a free woman (to a certain extent) and I can be myself again, I am no longer being dictated what to do, how to do it and being treated like a child.

If you're reading this and you're a long standing friend, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and you'll also know just how much I like to help others; I would love to volunteer to help other women in the same situation as I found myself in. I need to make a difference and I need to help these vulnerable women. I still feel very vulnerable, living alone but maybe one day I will stand up for myself and feel strong again.

Never under-estimate your friends, I am still really sad that I had to leave one of my best friends behind. She's recently had her baby (I was going to be at the birth for her), we have been through a lot together and I really miss her and her family. I hope that one day we will be living near each other soon, or at least I can be able to get over to her as and when I want to.

My life IS looking up despite the Trial hanging over me and despite the constant illness that's plaguing me at the moment (I suspect this is stress-related) but I have a special someone in my life and it is going well for me. He means the world to me; and again I won't go into too much detail - you never know who's reading. ;)

Anyway, over and out. Until next time :)

My Mattress arrived!

So yeah - Last week I ordered an 8" thick Memory Foam Mattress and two Memory Foam Pillows.
It came yesterday (Monday) and although it was big and heavy for me to get upstairs, I managed.
With Memory Foam you have to let it ''air'' for a fair few hours, so I had to wait until bed-time to try it out.

Here's a photo of it, I have decided to KEEP the old mattress on the bottom, just to make the bed that bit higher and more accessible for me to get in and out of.
I have also got my electric blanket - Just in case I have a bad Raynauds attack in bed.

I slept well, there's no real way to describe being 'cradled like a baby' feeling. I felt my body was supported and the Memory Foam pillows definitely made a huge difference too. 

I was aware that it was becoming light outside and worried that I had over slept I reached for my iPhone and saw that in fact it was only 06:50am and I still had a few minutes left before the alarm called me.

I definitely don't regret this purchase (even though it came with a hefty price tag). They are worth every single penny for a Fibromyalgia sufferer such as myself. 

Before buying it I had read reviews on it, my Grampy's sister (who's 90 odd) had one and had to call her daughter to help her out of it because she gets so stiff and she got stuck - it worried me because I get stiff too. Others said that they were 'cold people' but it just got too hot... - With the Raynauds Phenomenon I welcome any warmth ;)

This morning it's raining and my knee feels sore but it not giving way (yet!) which is always a bonus. I really have to chase up the doctors and get seen by all the specialists that are involved in my care.

As you know, I'm not one to always go to the doctors, but this needs to be sorted out. I need to manage my FMS (and all other conditions) better than I am doing, for the sake of my children at least.

Well, that's all from me. 

I've fallen in love... with another song..

So yeah, for those who know me personally, I am more of a music listener than TV watcher. I've always listened to the radio when I was growing up, and now Apple created iTunes I haven't been able to stop purchasing music since. Long gone are the days of pressing record when the DJ has introduced the song and quickly pressing it before they interrupt at the end of the song!

So, what's the song now? I hear you ask.

It's The Script ~ The End Where I Begin. (Click the text to go to a youtube video of the song, with lyrics).

As many of you'll know I have just ended a near 8 year marriage (nearly 10 years with him in total).

I think this song describes it all perfectly.

''Sometimes tears say all there is to saySometimes your first scars won't ever fade away
Tried to break my heart
Well it's broke
Tried to hang me high
Well I'm choked
Wanted rain on me
Well I'm soaked
Soaked to the skin



It's the end where I begin
It's the end where I begin

Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes
Sometimes we've no choice but to walk away, away
Tried to break my heart
Well it's broke
Tried to hang me high
Well I'm choked
Wanted rain on me
Well I'm soaked
Soaked to the skin

It's the end where I begin
It's the end where I begin

Now I'm alive
and my ghosts are gone
I've shed all the pain
I've been holding on
The cure for a heart
Is to move along, is to move along
So move along
[X3]
What don't kill a heart
Only makes it strong

It's the End where I
End where I
End where I begin

Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes
Sometimes we've no choice but to walk away, away''

For me, it's singing about the tears I've shed along the years, clinging onto a love-less Marriage to a man who only ever wanted to hurt me. It's singing about trying to break my heart - and it broke. 

It's the end where I begin - When I left him.

Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes, sometimes we've got no choice but to walk away - I certainly did that. 

About half way through the song, it's like the present moment in time. 

Now I'm alive and my ghosts are gone, I've shed all the pain I've been holding on, The cure for a heart is to move along - How true those words are.

It is incredibly hard to admit that the marriage had been dead for many many years, I don't know how long he had been unfaithful to me for, it only ever came to light just after I'd fallen pregnant with the twins.

It's not my fault the marriage ended, the only thing I did was walk away, knowing that the damage he caused to the marriage had caused it to irretrievably break down.

I am now going through divorce proceedings and hope to be a free woman by the end of this year. 

What more is there to say? He had his chance, he had me for 10 long years (or thereabouts) he can now hang his head up high and admit to two failed marriages. 

It's been a while since I've been this tired - I admit that. Fibro is getting me down a fair bit too, but I refuse to let it win - however I am incredibly close to giving up. I'm just so tired, the weather isn't helping one bit either.