Well, I had a fall on Thursday I think it was. I had to fall awkwardly to avoid one of the twins that was out in the kitchen with me, I heard a crunch in my wrist and the lump that comes up had come up and got tender but thankfully that's gone down again nicely. I am more concerned about my breathing and my rib. I don't feel like I can take full breaths of air anymore. I usually sleep on my left side, last night in bed I led down on my left side and felt this horrible deep, throbbing pain go right through me, from the last rib it felt like. It took me ages to roll over the pain was that intense, it was like someone had literally just put a knife through me! Anyway, breathing during the night felt uncomfortable - so when I woke I felt like I hadn't slept at all!
I got up, did things I had to do and at 11am I came back to bed to try and catch up with much-needed sleep.
Unfortunately though, I realised this morning that intensified pain + intensified fatigue can equal only one thing = Flare. I am gutted it's back to this old chestnut again. All I have eaten today is a yogurt at dinner time (6pm) again, no energy to eat even if I felt hungry. I only eat when I am hungry and I felt slightly hungry at 6pm so had a yogurt to keep me going. Usually I feel sick *touch wood* this has passed now for about 4 days, instead everything is in almost a constant spasm, twitching, cramping mode. Then the fatigue and other aches hit me Thursday. I guess you could say my symptoms got worse around Monday / Tuesday when literally every few minutes I would have a twitch, spasm or cramp. I have prodded my last left rib and can't feel bits poking out but it does feel extremely tender so I imagine I may just have internal bruising which hurts when my lungs are inflated to full capacity; explaining why I seem to be only able to shallow breath! I am being stubborn again with my pain medication too, because I am not eating well again I am not taking the tramadol (in all fairness it is only prescribed as an 'as and when' kind of thing anyway) and I am not taking the Paracetamol but I am taking Lyrica, I have increased to two twice a day, the next increased dose I will take is three twice a day. Again; these are not really affecting anything. I know these are my 'last hope' (I know there is at least one other thing we can try but long story short my gp may not prescribe it, regardless it is apparently most affective!) It was bad enough I thought she was taking the pee with the Naproxen but now these too; I am convinced I am taking part in some placebo test - NOTHING is working. My patches do well but even they don't completely take the pain away and they are mostly only helping with ibs pain, not quite strong enough to help with all the other aches and spasms. Hmm - as I wrote that my knee spasmed. I recently had a guest stay over in my bed and I was absolutely terrified of having one in bed so I slept on my back (I never sleep on my back unless I have company) I just didn't want to hurt the guest! I know from my Marriage Dean used to constantly have my knee in him, it's also part of the reason I chose to get separate beds in 2009 - that and finding out about his perverted, sick, unhealthy obsession with Internet girls ;-)
Well, I have been told I must try to inhale as deeply as I can (or I risk getting a chest infection) - the weird part of that is, I have a really bad chesty cough already, have I already been doing this shallow breathing since Thursday and not noticed it maybe? I can't imagine there is any real damage to the rib because I have still been picking the children up and on Friday I had Twin 1 on my back in the carrier quite well. I must admit it does hurt to bend and I noticed this a lot in the shower earlier, just bending over the side for the shower gel / shampoo.
I don't really have much else to say, we all know I moan (not as much as I used to, I have to admit that) but there is this one girl on my Facebook.......... My jaw just drops each time I read status updates and it's always the same thing ''If she really had a Fibro diagnosis.....'' It took me at least 3 years for my diagnosis of Fibro but I believe I have suffered with CFS since I was in my teenage years, I just thought everyone got as tired as I get. The onset of Fibro was somewhat between December 2008 - March 2009. These months are the hardest I have ever had to live through, although I think any Mother would feel the same if they nearly watched their 8 month old daughter die in front of their eyes? I am haunted by the fact my daughter is as ill as she is, she certainly doesn't look as ill as she is. Every day I wake up wondering if today's the day she needs to be rushed into hospital, I wonder if today's my last day with her, whether I have been too busy in housework that I have missed her 'HELP' signs that her valve is failing, or even something more serious. It worries every minute of every day - I wonder if there are any other mothers out there with children like mine that don't worry this much? Perhaps its normal to panic every minute of every day? Perhaps its normal to go in to your daughter who is fast asleep during the night, not see her chest inflate and deflate and then put your hand by her mouth / nose - if you can't feel anything you call out her name and almost shake her, before you realise all is well and she is fast asleep. You kiss her tiny head, apologise and let her sleep on. I don't think my anxiety is helped by the fact I bought her two pulse oximeters and stupidly both went missing prior to my departure from the marital home and both are now in my ex-Husbands' possession and I can't even keep track of her oxygen saturation levels.
Is it fair that my little precious girl has a life of uncertainty ahead of her? Is it fair she nearly lost her life due to her CHD? Is it even fair she is paying for my mistakes one way or another? I can't answer any of those questions, all I can do is to apologise to her. I made her, her tiny heart formed only 18 days after conception and for that I am responsible. No one else is to blame but me. I inflicted this pain and suffering onto my daughter and I hope that one day she forgives me for what she has had to live with and what the future has in store for her.
And as you can tell, what Fibro flare wouldn't be complete with out depressive states of mind? I must sign off of here before some of you think I am totally do-lally - but then my bestest friends are reading this knowing I already am and have been for many many years ;-)
Until next time................. Over & Out.
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