Yesterday (9th Jan) I had a lazy morning, then come lunch time I thought I best get on, try and 'normalise' my life .. Oh what a big mistake that was.
I managed to sort the kitchen out in a record breaking hour! I felt okay, Until... I sat down.. Eek. Such a bad bad mistake! I just couldn't move my fingers let alone my legs!
I finally made a move, I had to get the children some lunch but every single step, It flippin' hurt. My ankles felt so weak, my knees, hips and arms just felt lose and felt like they were going to drop of.
I felt so weak!! Then there is the pain like I've pulled muscles in them.
I'm currently under so much pressure, I have to fight for a diagnosis for my son, first and foremost and in the mean time I just have to try and put up with it.
The other night, I feel ashamed to say this, but I wanted to end it all, suffering no more. I wanted to take more than the usual pain killers just to calm the pain, then I thought - would it matter if I took the lot? If I did die I would be free from this horrendous pain?
I try not to aim all my Facebook status'es over my condition, I try to steer well away from that, It's not as if any of my friends will know what I'm going through and how it affects me, By all means they can try to imagine, but maybe even though I match the symptoms, maybe it's just 'day to day' life with the children and the stress I am under with medical conditions such as those in my family.
Every single day I wonder if it's my last day with Meghan and that makes these feelings much worse, how can I be so selfish in ''resting'' from this condition if my daughter's about to live her last day? I feel so ashamed of myself and what I've become.
I really wouldn't wish what ever I have on anyone, It's horrible and I can honestly say I would end it all tomorrow had I not have 5 children to love.
My Life is just not worth living otherwise.
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